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Dear Judged
Great DaysYou won't believe this but . . . my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss. My girlfriend tells me it's all in my head. But my stomach tells me to write you instead.

posted 2006-12-22 01:40:30

Dear Gitz,

You’re right, I don’t believe it . . . . .

Just kidding. Are you sure it’s not actually your girlfriend’s stomach? Maybe she’s just trying to deflect the blame by telling you that you’re imagining it.

Maybe you should see a gastroenterologist. Have you heard of gastritis? It’s possible that you have a mild case of gastritis, which is basically caused by an overgrowth of naughty bacteria in your gut, and a dwindling population of the good bacteria, the ones that help you digest fiber and dairy. This is often caused by over-use of antibiotics, which in the process of killing whatever bacteria are making you sick, also smote out all the happy bugs in your body. When you don’t have a strong population of helpful intestinal flora, you often experience gas, bloating, constipation, and any number of other bothersome symptoms which your girlfriend might also attempt to blame on you. One particularly common symptom is extreme gas bubbles that just roll around in your gut without really coming out, which can be a noisy affair. Perhaps this could be the cause of your embrace embarrassments.

Maybe you need to have an endoscopy to find out whether there are more serious problems behind your tuneful tummy. That’s really fun; they first make you swallow some numbing gel that tastes like metal, which disables your gag reflex. Then they knock you out and shove a tube down your throat, taking pictures and harvesting samples of your stomach lining, which feels really great once the anesthesia wears off.

Oh, I know, maybe you actually have another human being growing inside of your abdomen. I think I’ve heard of something like this. Maybe he’s jealous of your hanky panky sessions. I mean it’s only fair to share!

Then again, maybe you are just a weirdo, and you should spend your time thinking about more important things.

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