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Lawyer Jokes

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A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and killed a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you're not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you for everything you've got."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times. And so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He said, "Sure, we can do things your way."

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. He said, "Okay, you old bastard. Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "No, that's OK. I give up. You can have the duck!"

An Irish priest is driving in his car towards church. He reaches the church, pulls into the parking lot, but finds it full.

He drives up and down each lane to no avail. Every parking space is taken.

Realizing he is late for service, the priest gets desperate. He rolls down the window of his car and looks to the heavens.

"Dear Heavenly Father," the priest shouts towards the sky. "Help me find a parking space."

The priest madly circles around the full parking lot.

"Lord, take pity on me," pled the priest. "If you can help me find a parking space this once, I will never use another curse word again. I will never drink a single drop of whiskey. I'll be kind to children and animals, and I'll give up my dirty magazines! Please Lord, help me find a parking space!"

Just then, the priest found the only open space in the lot.

"Never mind, God," said the priest. "I found one."

Two law students are spending their Friday night studying for their big Constitutional Law exam on Monday morning. They study from 6PM to 8:30, when they decide to take a break.

They walk down to the nearest bar and have a drink. While there, the two meet a group of girls who invite them to a party.

The law student figure they will have time over the weekend to study, so they go to the party with the girls. They stay up all night partying and sleep all day Saturday.

Before they have a chance to get back home to spend their Sunday studying, the girls invite them to another party. The girls make a convincing argument, and the two law students decide to go to the next party.

On Monday morning, their heads are pounding. They can't make it out of bed in time for the exam.

They wake up Monday afternoon and hurry to the Professor's office to beg for a makeup test. They tell the Professor they were on their way to class when their car got a flat tire. They plead their case and eventually, the Professor agrees to give them a makeup exam. The two law students share a devious grin, knowing they had duped the Professor.

The Professor puts the two students in separate rooms and administers the makeup exam, which has only two questions:

1. Explain the significance of habeus corpus in contemporary U.S. law. (Value - 5%)
2. Which tire? (Value - 95%)

The Chief Justice of an Appellate Court invited the newly appointed Justice over for dinner. During the meal, the new appointee, Justice Johnson, couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the Chief Justice's housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, he started to wonder if there was more between the Chief Justice and the housekeeper than met the eye.

Reading the new appointee's thoughts, the Chief Justice volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely a professional one."

About a week later the housekeeper came to the Chief Justice and said, "Your Honor, ever since your new appointee came to dinner, I've been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The Chief Justice said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Justice Johnson, I'm not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you didn't take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the Chief Justice received a reply letter from Justice Johnson which read: "Dear Chief Justice, I'm not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you don't sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

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