The rules don't just apply to first-years though. Anybody having trouble fitting in at a firm would be wise to heed Disassociate's rules. These rules will also be useful to the overworked attorney who needs to lighten his or her workload without getting fired for it.
Rule No. 1: If anyone at the firm asks how you’re doing, simply reply “busy, really busy.” Then wipe your brow, yawn and walk away quickly (as if in a terrible hurry).
Rule No. 2: On Fridays, don’t dress casually. A suit makes you look like a serious player and the chances of getting caught for leaving early are much slimmer.
Rule No. 3: Always keep you door closed and work with your light off. That way, no one will know when you are working from home for the day (or week).
Rule No. 4: Don’t smile too much on Fridays; it screams, “I can handle more work.” Instead, look frustrated, loosen your tie and mess your hair. 9 out of 10 weekend assignments will go to your neighbor, Smiley.
Rule No. 5: Travel time is not billable, but if you have to sit with someone from the office, that awkward conversation counts as ‘work’.
Rule No. 6: Hazing the summer associates is fun.
Rule No. 7: Carry a briefcase, the one with the loud snapping locks, but keep it empty. Open it as often as possible when people are around and close it quickly. Mumble sentences with the words “hearing,” “judge” and “motion” as you snap it shut. Leave early.
Rule No. 8: He who puts up the most degrees on his wall and deal toys in his office is the least interesting.
Rule No. 9: Pay very close attention when a colleague is giving you an assignment. Look into his eyes and nod your head furiously. Then just start laughing uncontrollably - if you can force tears, even better. No more assignments from that guy!
Rule No. 10: Mimic the mannerisms and demeanor of other lawyers at your firm. Doing so makes it much harder for people to tell that you have no idea what you are doing.
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